P.S. I Love You

I've realized how much I really love music. 

How much I love to play music.

How close I really am to my cello. 

I always thoughts my cellos were the most regal and fancy things that could exist on this planet. They were something that made me really feel, as cliche as it is, like a princess.  

I named my cello Sebastian. Sebastian Winston Croft if you want to get the details down. And he is my best friend. 

I've never really told anyone why I love playing my music as much as I do. I've always skimmed the answer and said that it makes me happy or it's just something I'm good at.... but it goes a lot deeper than that.

There's this single second in time.
 It happens right after I play, right after I put my heart and soul into a piece, whether in front of a hundred people or only myself; there's a single second right after I put my bow down and come back from whatever dream I put myself in and look up. 

It's a second of silence. 

Silent bliss.

In that second I don't care if I played beautifully or if I just played the worst thing in the world. 
In that second, nothing matters. 
I look up at everyone watching me or at the wall in front of me and I just breathe.
My cello and I are one at that moment. 
Nothing can go wrong.

I let everything go.

I feel good.

And then someone claps and the moment is gone. It's ruined or lost in the past.
It's something I crave

I crave that bliss. 
That second of wonderful silence in my world of constant movement and noise that I love so much.
I crave that bliss.


And that doesn't even get into how I feel when I actually play something. 
But that's for another time.


Good night.