Talk to me you idiot, I like you

And right now I'm listening to lovesick songs and scrolling down this endlessly long train of tumblr posts all about happy endings and new beginnings.
I want that.
I want that with you, idiot. 

I see you almost every day. I look forward to Tuesdays and Fridays the most. 
I've started to actually worry about what I look like. I want you to think that I care.
I want you to think that I'm funny, and cute, and interesting, and a thesaurus of other adjectives.

I've fallen in love with the idea of you.
I've made you into this picture perfect person for me (with flaws of course, you can't get everything).
I want to figure myself out so that maybe, just maybe
You can fall in love with the idea of me.

So, I'm going to keep feeling butterflies whenever we accidentally brush against each other when getting out of class and get nervous whenever you look at me when I'm filling my cup up with water (which I actually fill up more than three times because the chance of looking into your eyes one more time outweighs my having to pee a million times later) and there will always be this part of me that gets sad when I see you hug other girl. 

You haunt me. I see the back of your head in every person that walks in front of me. A picture of you flashes right as the elevator door opens to the third floor. Your name is everywhere I look. 

I don't know you.
I barely learned your name just a couple of days ago.
I don't know a single thing about you.
But you don't know how much I think I like you. 


Happy Thoughts for October 30, 2015

1. I wore a nice dress today (which I bought for the great price of $8 at Target as a matter of fact)
2. I, Mechu, am going to a party, a real life party, tomorrow and am actually looking forward to it
3. And I'm dressing up as Blaire Waldorf who is everything I'm not
4. I managed to clean my room last night and I got rid of that godforsaken puzzle that was taking over my floor
5. Anything that Radice says out of context would be worthy of a good chuckle. 

Currently listening to:
Anything by Ben Rector because he understands my feelings right now
I recently started listening to Balance and Composure and they're pretty dang good

New Year

It's a new year.
New school year that is.

And it's so different,
yet exactly the same.

It's all the same classes, just one level higher.
And still just as hard.
Still a struggle
Except for that one Personal Health class which is a blessing from above because it is the one time during the week I get to relax.

Did I tell you I'm singing now?
Chorus is the new stomping grounds for your girl.
AKA I have no clue what I'm actually doing
But it sounds cool, so I assume I'm at least doing average.

The cello front is going much better.
I feel more relaxed and I feel like I'm pushing myself a little harder ever day.
There's even a recital coming in the next semester.
I'm simultaneously excited and ignoring the pit in my stomach.

My group of friends is my family.
It's slowly growing, but the close ones will always remain few and mighty.
Love remains lost.

There's a giant Mike Wazowski balloon in my roommates bed right now.
A lone companion in my fall break spent alone on campus.
And that was a blessing in itself.

But what I really want to mention are my goals for this year. And even as I write this I'm still not sure. I filled out a bunch of papers for an education class earlier were I was supposed to come up with goals to learn some motivation strategies or whatever, but I came up with the usual "Let's try to avoid eating so many french fries" and then let it die.
But why?
I need goals. I can't remain stagnant any longer

Goal 1: Make at least 1 other friend. And keep them.
Goal 2: Spend at least a while a week playing for fun.
Goal 3: Learn something new
Goal 4: Stop eating so many french fries. (But actually because it's getting to be a real problem and you need to control yourself girl)
Goal 5: Don't give up on you Happy Book.
Goal 6: Family is the best thing you have. Remember that
Goal 7: Maybe even talk to that boy in chorus?

Happy Thoughts for October 17, 2015

1. I almost finished building that Washington D.C. puzzle today. An enormous feat because there's actually a ton of roads in DC? And they all look the same?
2. My dear dear father bought me Chinese food today, which I devoured while watching two seasons of Scandal
3. I discovered the beauty of Chocolate Chip ice cream. See Mechu? This is what happens when you branch out.
4. I  left my bed approximately 3 times just to pee and get my food.
5. My friends come back tomorrow!! (Ignoring the fact that I actually have to shower and clean and practice and do homework AAAAAAAAH) 

Currently listening to:
Playlist: "Barefoot in the rain" It makes me feel like I'm in a romantic comedy. What's not to love?
Stray Heart- Green Day
Any ballad from the last three decades

Happy Thoughts #1

1. I got to spend the entire day in bed watching Netflix
2. I got started on the bunch of books that I bought while in NYC
3. I sent out a couple emails that made me feel very important and fancy
4. There was no one to tell me that the amount of cake I ate today was too much
5. I haven't gotten out of my sweatpants since Saturday night except to shower
6. I'm feeling even more confident and optimistic about my future



Birthday in NYC post coming soon!

P.S. I Love You

I've realized how much I really love music. 

How much I love to play music.

How close I really am to my cello. 

I always thoughts my cellos were the most regal and fancy things that could exist on this planet. They were something that made me really feel, as cliche as it is, like a princess.  

I named my cello Sebastian. Sebastian Winston Croft if you want to get the details down. And he is my best friend. 

I've never really told anyone why I love playing my music as much as I do. I've always skimmed the answer and said that it makes me happy or it's just something I'm good at.... but it goes a lot deeper than that.

There's this single second in time.
 It happens right after I play, right after I put my heart and soul into a piece, whether in front of a hundred people or only myself; there's a single second right after I put my bow down and come back from whatever dream I put myself in and look up. 

It's a second of silence. 

Silent bliss.

In that second I don't care if I played beautifully or if I just played the worst thing in the world. 
In that second, nothing matters. 
I look up at everyone watching me or at the wall in front of me and I just breathe.
My cello and I are one at that moment. 
Nothing can go wrong.

I let everything go.

I feel good.

And then someone claps and the moment is gone. It's ruined or lost in the past.
It's something I crave

I crave that bliss. 
That second of wonderful silence in my world of constant movement and noise that I love so much.
I crave that bliss.


And that doesn't even get into how I feel when I actually play something. 
But that's for another time.


Good night.  

It's 2 Years Later

It's two years later.
It's 3:00 in the morning on Christmas Eve in the might year of 2014.

Why did I write in comic sans again?

Oh my.

We have to look back and be slightly embarrassed right? It means we did something right in our future selfs. For instance, never writing in comic sans ever again.
I've also abstained from writing "lol" "jk" and any other cringe-worthy shorthand whatever.
And Im proud to say that all of my "Heys" have only had one y.

I think I've officially succeed with my life.

There's no way that I can possibly catch up my nonexistent readers on what I have done in these past two years, so I'm not going to try. You'll just have to catch up as it is.

Anyway. Before I leave for the night, I'll tell one of my fabulously good stories that I just never want to forget about my college experience.

Mignight Snowmen

I know you're asking yourself, "What could this possibly be about?" I'm going to spoil it for you, and say that it's about snowmen at midnight.
So of course it is one of the nights before finals week, when the whole of the dorm was quietly studying their lives away at midnight, on a Saturday, because that's what you get in Honors Housing.
And then there was JoAnn and Mechu, who would do absolutely anything to not be like that.
JoAnn sought liquid courage.
Mechu was just bored.
They found a happy medium in a rash decision to go outside. (Let's recall the frigid, snowy air that is Ithaca in December shall we) The coats and gloves were all grabbed and ready to go, and the pair bravely strode into the wide world.
The air was brisk and the snow was crunchy. The brave duo went bravely into the quad in front of the dorm and plunged their hands into the snow, piling it over and over into this majestic creature.
But really it turned out to look like one big pile, so we put a hat and a carrot on it and said it was a work of art.
But did we stop there? Of course not. It was late. We were stressed. And we were high on exhilaration.
(We really don't get out much)
So we built a snowman at every single one of the other dorms in the lower quads.
Eastman got a slightly better one, it even had arms, dedicated to our lovely Pocahontas.
Boggart got a pregnant one with a fetus baby coming out of the front. It was the abstract piece. Also the place where I was violently assaulted by a boy with a snowball.
.....the other one? Got one right on their doorstep.
And we came back to Lyon for the big finally. This one even had buttons.
We were attacked by Lizzie coming from who knows where. Wink Wink Wink. That snowball fight, though intense and almost life-long, actually only lasted about five minutes before we got tired and went back inside.

What a crazy life, huh? #SoCollege #StayInterested
That's a story for next time.

And I won't even say Toodles.

I must be a changed woman.



P.S. The horror story which you've probably realized is that it is still in the unspeakable font and I don't know how to change it. 

Cello lessons were this morning, same as usual. Tired, of course. BUt this time, I had a substitute teacher. Now, the thing about being in cello lessons since I was six is the fact that you kinda get attached to your teacher. They learn to see how you learn best or what you mojo is, and then a nice ole substitute teacher walks in and BAM we have problems. She couldn't stop saying how everything I was doing was wrong and that was making me feel terrible.

I've only had this piece for two weeks and haven't had the time to look it over with my real teacher since then, so I've been mostly sight reading it. The audition is in about a month and I need as much self-confidence as possible, but this lady. Oh boy. The amount of trips I took to "blow my nose" was staggering. I felt like punching clown babies at the end.

Just, the way I felt after that lesson, with the lady telling me off for everything  did, interrupting me in the middle of a piece I was really trying to perfect..... I felt like a piece of elephant poop and that all the work I did the past week meant nothing at all.  Usually I can pick myself up with my cello, but hey! Guess what! Not this time!!

Only thing that's got me excited: Doctor Who Premiere. I. Will. Freak. Out.

TOODLES POODLES

Hello There

Hello. This is a blog isn't it? Well, in a couple words, I like ranting...and well, I never know how exactly to rant to and I decided once and for all, I had to write these not strange or amusing things in my life down because maybe, just maybe...someday I'm going to read this back and appreciate the small little things I did. So..this is it. Whether tons of people find this, or a couple, or maybe just me in the future to keep in an old moldy scrapbook...so be it.
 

My life isn't amusing, but I think if I force myself to only write about amusing things, well, in real life I'm going to have to force myself to be social in some way right? There you go. The first step: doing something. I mean, I do do stuff. Music stuff and school. There's going to be stories about that. But enough for now.

Welcome. My name is Mechu. I've spent some time on this planet to decide that I quite favor Manatees, narwhals, crabs, chocolate, Doctor Who, Phineas and Ferb, and small animals to name a few, but unfortunately it has also given me enough time to decide on things I dislike like large stones and velcro. Oiiii, it makes me wince.

So. I will thank you eyes now for reading...or skimming this, because right now, it is not of importance. I hope it'll get better soon. Have a splendid day.

TOODLES POODLES